An open letter to my mother, who joined Facebook...
Dear Woman Who Birthed Me and Now Has Access to my Entire Life: So, uh, hi. Funny running into you here, although I knew it was only a matter of time. While I have enjoyed having the entire internet to myself over the years, I think we can work out a friendly custody arrangement, considering I used to live inside your body and smashed up (OK, totaled) the Honda that one time in high school....
Finally, someone gets me.
Me: I want a new dog.
Him: Nice try, Huey Lewis.